Rub Butts or Get Divorced: the Ultimate Marriage Test

As an attorney experienced in divorce and maintenance, there is one question I get asked more than any other: ‘How do I know if it’s time to get a divorce?’

You might think that there is no way I could possibly answer such a question because all couples are unique and their problems are unique and so the answer has to be tailored to each couple. And I would say that you’re wrong because not one of us is as unique as we think we are – and this is a good thing.

Apart from the fact that most marriages end for the same three reasons in different forms: adultery, financial difficulties, or abuse, it’s always possible to diagnose the primary issue as one rooted in a lack of healthy communication.

And this is where rubbing butts in the shower comes in. Bear with me. I’m being serious.

First of all, don’t bother suing me because I did not come up with this approach. It’s been passed down through generations and generations of divorced couples – at least, for as long as showers and waterfalls and buttocks have existed. Everyone has buttocks, no matter how small, making this a fairly inclusive test. Here’s how it goes:

1. If you’re contemplating divorce, take a shower with your spouse and rub your butt against their butt somewhere during the shower.

2. Observe the reaction and report back.

That’s it. And here’s why it works:

1. If you do this and find that both of you end up in hysterics and your moods are elevated and your stress levels are decreased, then there is hope yet. Consider counselling and a weekend away to rekindle the flame. You don’t need to call me. Keep me on speed dial.

2. If you do this and it feels forced or one-sided and does not spark even an iota of joy, then all hope is lost and the whimsy that you once felt in your marriage has faded irreparably. It’s time to call me.

3. If you cannot even get as far as suggesting this simple act of affection to your spouse, or find yourself dismissed when you try to, then the concept of fun and comfort was drained from your marriage long ago and you are holding onto the parched crumbs of what once was. It’s definitely time to call me.

4. If you, yourself, think that this suggestion is absolutely ridiculous and outlandishly silly to bother with when contemplating such a difficult question, then you are the problem in your marriage and I hope your spouse comes across my number anyway so that they can find joy elsewhere.

Of all the tenets of marriage that everyone loves to tout, one seems to go most ignored: the simple joy of being comfortable and silly with the person you love most. Without this, everything else breaks down and the eventual fallout happens because being able to talk about the serious things is just as important as being able to talk about the silliest of things.

Divorce is not necessarily the end of things. It can be the beginning of a beautiful new journey taking you to uncharted territories with enthusiastic new butts to rub against in the shower.

Get in touch with me today if you’ve applied this test and found that it’s time to move on from that miserable old arse. Use #RubbedButts for a 15% discount on your first consultation.